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Nicolas Cage loses bet to Gary Busey, has to eat only puffy Cheetos for six years

One of the biggest news stories in recent memory is the infamous wager between Nicolas Cage (star of the 1988 flick Vampire’s Kiss as well as 2006’s beloved classic The Ant Bully) and Gary Busey (former guest actor on Walker, Texas Ranger). The two megastars stunned their fans when it was first discovered they had a bet.

Cage and Busey attend the annual “We Love Speed” convention. It is unclear whether that is in reference to the Keanu Reeves film or another form of adrenaline.

Their mutual friend Snoop Dogg featured lyrics alluding to the existence of the bet back in his chart topping summer hit, subtlety titled, Yo, Give Me That Blunt, I Need to Get High Right Now Fo’ Real Homie Part Five – The Remix ft. Lizzo, Jay-Z, Zee Monee, ill bottle, I’ll Kill You, and Bigfoot Jones. The lyrics were vague and had the world talking.

“This rage inside me keeps me fit for the stage, like the rextravagant Nicolas Cage. This homeboy got himself in this mad ass bet across the world for wager that’s going to put him in danger. He bout to die, Busey and him. Both gonna die. They dumb, stupid in fact. The f*ck they thinking? Guys, don’t do this. Value your lives you before it’s too late. You ain’t cats, you only got one each!”

A photo leaked to us by someone in Cage’s camp, shortly after the bet was completed.

Snoop’s poppy, fun song had the media pondering what he could be referring to. Outlets ran wild with headlines like, “OMG guys, did YOU know Snoop and Nic Cage were FRIENDS?” and “I watched Gary Busey drink his own piss once. Not to survive. Just Because. Why are Cage and Snoop friends with him?”

When Cage and Busey got wind that the public was desperately interested in what was going on, they consented to a sit down interview. They had three conditions.

1) it would be done via Skype.

2) Gary’s pet sheep (plural) needed to be heavily featured in the opening and closing credits. The sheep were also to be given five minutes of screentime at the Midway point. The screentime was mostly a music video featuring said sheep exclusively. The video was directed by Busey and the singer was Nicolas Cage’s five-year-old grandson, Lucian Augustus Coppola, who performed a screamo cover of Highway to Hell.

3) they would only talk to their favorite TV personality, Drew Carrey.

Nicolas Cage on vacation, practicing his apocalypse survival skills with family friends.

Carrey agreed to do the interview as a prime time two hour special for MSNBC. It achieved an incredible 79.4 million viewers during its live broadcast, later becoming the first interview on YouTube with over a billion views. Busey talked the most, as Cage was busy carving a wooden replica of a 1966 Ford Mustang for much of the interview. For those of you who somehow missed it, their discussion is still unbelievable.

“Bearcat and I (the only name Busey addresses Cage by) needed a change. We were both stuck in terrible conditions, living off of Bearcat’s leftover wages from the National Treasure animated films he did in the 80’s.”

“We were out in our squalor, and one day we were driving our ATV’s through Bearcat’s personal forest on our way to hop on a private plane heading for Paris. As we were on the runway I grabbed his arm and pitched an idea,” remembered Busey.

Cage, lifting his welding helmet up while putting down his X-Acto knife, chimed in.

“Bloodraven [Busey] told me he wanted to compete in the ritualistic combat of Shermangadofas, which hadn’t been done in centuries. We later decided the winner would legally change their name to the losers name, adopting their identity completely until he no longer found pleasure in it,” said Cage.

The loser would be given a new name by the winner, which would need to be changed legally. He also would have to walk back to L.A. alone to earn back his chi. The starting point for the journey back was to be Rockford, Illinois.

Busey and Cage attend the annual Lazer Tag World Championships in Seattle.

Cage went on to speak in a poetic rythem, as if he had once again inhabited his iconic role as Johnny Blaze from Ghost Rider.

“In the times of Alexander the Great and, later, Moses, Shermangadofas was used to honorably usurp one’s neighbor. A man, or young boy child, would challenge another man who lived in their community. Once the challenge was made, the two were dragged into a nearby desserted land and abandoned to the elements. The men had to avoid contact with each other and survive for seven days without helping each other.”

“After that period, they would engage in a physical battle using only whatever resources existed in the natural environment. The battle would end when one of the men was beaten unconscious. The loser was then buried with head sticking out of the ground so he would be provided oxygen. If one of the men was killed, then the other would be executed upon returning to the community. Usually if that happened the survivor simply fled as far away as possible,” explained Cage.

Cage wouldn’t speak for the rest of the broadcast, but Busey added some context to the old fashioned challenge.

“The benefits were obvious. Any man could improve their life and forgo what was old and meaningless. Trading in your family for a better one is something that is frowned upon today, unfortunately.”

Busey went on to say that the two argued about who would win, as both men exude an extraordinary amount of confidence in themselves as warriors. This led to the side bet, which would force the loser to only be able eat Cheetos (specifically the puffy kind) for the next six years. And no, off-brands are not allowed. The other would claim victory by seeing if the loser could survive on such a diet. The rest of the interview was Busey ranting about the state of the mattress industry.

Busey smiling after after receiving a complement from his son, Jake.

Flash forward to today, and we now know who has won the battle. The announcement was made to the press by Jonah Hill, for unknown reasons. From the lobby of the Ritz Carlton, Mr. Hill; wearing an Italian leather robe, croccs, and red tinted sunglasses, giddily broke the news. The statement is below.

“Hey peeps. Before we get started I’d like to get something out of the way. 23 Jump Street is still not coming out. I know you want and I understand your anger. I’m really f*cking good in those movies. I’m sorry. Onto the other reason you’re all here, I’m happy to announce the return of the combative challenge known as Shermangadofas was a rousing success.”

“Mr. Cage and Mr. Busey faced the elements for seven months while consistently getting into brutal and bloody battles. They of course easily survived the initial survival portion, which historically is seven days but Mr. Cage and Mr. Busey felt that was pathetic and bumped it up to one month. In their initial attempts to render each other unconscious it was Nicolas who dominated.”

“He gifted Busey twelve broken bones, eight concussions, and bad case of the flu in those early months. In a frankly spectacular display of will, Busey was able to squeak out of these skirmishes and camouflage himself long enough to recover and fight another day. Hope seemed lost. The tables turned while in the mountains of Russia, specifically Mount Elbrus. Cage had come across a vile of anthrax, which he managed to weaponize.”

“He had been tracking Busey for weeks, and when Busey went out for supplies, Cage moved in to create a trap. His goal was to set a tripwire that when triggered would release the anthrax. After he had finished setting this beautiful trick, he was in a hurry to get out of the area and return after his prey had become gravely ill so he could take him out easily. In a twist of fate, Cage tripped on some Legos Busey had been using to avoid boredom. In his haste, Cage had never even noticed them.”

“He fell onto the tripwire, smashing his head onto a boulder which knocked him out while releasing the anthrax. When Busey returned he found Cage unconscious and buried him, leaving his head above the ground so he could retrieve oxygen, and thus completing the requirements for victory. It is with great sadness that I announce Cage will be unavailable for interviews for some time, as he is recovering from the anthrax in an undisclosed location. In addition, as of this moment Cage will be known by a new name chosen by Mr. Busey. His new identity is Man Who Flies with Ducks. Busey has also legally changed his name to Cage’s, and Mr. Busey, sorry, Nicolas Cage would like to inform you he is elated by his win and looking forward to starring in several projects with his new identity. He also looks forward to watching Man Who Flies with Ducks eat nothing but Cheetos for the next six years. Thank you all for your time.”

Jonah Hill performs with his garage band, Nocturnal Daylight, at his cousin’s wedding.

And just like that, this legendary story comes to a close. I have to say I didn’t know who to root for in this one, and was simply happy to finally get details. Apparently the entire thing was shot guerrilla-style by a small crew who kept their distance, and will be available in all its gory goodness on Disney+ very soon. I for one can’t wait to watch it with my four-year-old son and six-year-old daughter on a random Sunday morning. They’re gonna love it.

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