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Breaking: Local cow has been vegan longer than Greta Thunberg

WISCONSIN – When one thinks of Wisconsin, beer and cheese would dance over their heads as the thumping beats of a polka band wash their auditory nerves in a bath of Germanic tomfoolery. They probably don’t think of vegans, though, particularly in a state known colloquially as America’s Dairyland.

However, in a hillside pasture with belly-deep grass on a classic Wisconsin dairy farm, you may be among a herd of plant-based proponents and you’d never know it, according to Honey the Holstein cow.

“Aside from drinking milk as a calf, I live a vegan lifestyle. You won’t find a more complete source of plant-based protein than my milk and meat, though,” Honey said. “I work my ass off laying around all day, chewing my cud, and eating to make this white gold.”

“But you won’t hear me bragging about it, or my friends, or any cow for that matter,” Honey added between mouthfuls of red clover and tall fescue.

When asked about Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, Honey was very confused despite the fact that the two have veganism in common. Thunberg has been on record touting veganism as one way to fight climate change.

“Never heard of her,” Honey said. “I guess I’m doing my part though, but these gosh danged Wisconsin winters kind of suck.”

Honey’s puzzlement only amplified when she learned that the teen was up for a Nobel Peace Prize.

“I’ve been doing this shit my whole life,” Honey said. “Where’s my trophy?”

While Honey may be happy with her vegan lifestyle, she doesn’t push it on others. Before ambling to the other side of the pasture to lay under a shady tree during the heat of the day, she had a few words of advice.

“Lead by example, and don’t push your beliefs on other people. Don’t like meat, don’t eat meat. Don’t like eating plants, more for me,” Honey said. “People drink my milk, they make my milk into cheese, and I’ll probably end up at McDonald’s in your burgers when I die. You do you, boo.”

Then she flashed her udder, told us to ‘take a look at this plant-based protein’, and left.

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