Tua gets drafted early, shipping to Iran with other college dropouts
Tuanigamanuolepola “Tua” Tagovailoa is a six foot one monster of a quarterback formally for the Alabama “National Title” Crimson Tide. When he broke the news that he was skipping his senior season for the draft, he had this to say, “It was a difficult choice, but I knew in my heart it was the right decision. I’ve been working all my life for this opportunity. Peace, Bama.”
Little did Tua know that there were more than NFL scouts keeping an eye on his talents.
The President of the United States said via Twitter, “I would love to have a cannon for an arm like he does. I mean, can you imagine that kid throwing a grenade?”
With the recent attacks on Iran, the President stated the military needed to “beef up” their roster by having a “new kind of draft.” After thoughtful care and planning, they began the draft an hour later. Each branch of the military would take a pick over the 200 rounds. The branches Trump thought were the least cool would go first. So obviously, the Coast Guard started things off.
Shockingly, they passed on Tua for Brad Robert Thompson, an Ace Hardware employee from Detroit, Michigan.
Backstage, he told us, “It’s an honor to be a part of history. Leaving my friends and family to go to a desert where people are trying to kill me sounds a lot better than working at Ace Hardware.”
Finally, the nation heard what they had been waiting for as Trump took the stage once again. “With the fourth pick in the 2020 draft, the Marines select Tua Tagawhat…Tua Violen…Tua…Tic Tac from Alabama Football.”
To say that all of Auburn was excited was an understatement. Tua didn’t respond well, however. He had been preparing for the NFL extensively by creating his likeness in Madden 20 when he got the news.
After wiping tears from his face, Tua had this to say, “This isn’t fair, man. War isn’t the game I play. I can’t kill nobody. Was it just bad luck? Is it because I wore number 13? I knew I never should have messed with witchcraft.”
We spoke with fellow college drop out Jamison Woodson, who was very excited about the possiblity of bunking with the National Championship winning quarterback.
“Man, this is crazy! This last semester was terrible. I was flunking just about every class except for “naptime.” I kinda had it coming, though. I kept skipping class to go to the food court and get me some Cherry Berry ice cream. It was just so delicious! It’s kind of the University’s fault, honestly. They made ice cream that was too good. I still love em’ though. Roll Tide!”
Chase Young, who went after Tua in the draft, responded much better to the news, “I’ve never played football in Iran before!”
When the pick was announced the President tweeted, “I like Chase Young. I like the way he can break through a line if scrimmage. Also, he has great hair. Unmatched hair (Except for mine of course).”
As Tua prepared to ship out, he looked back on a very successful career.
“I got a nice pep talk from Nick Saban. He said I let them down last season by getting injured and that it was the military’s turn to feel that same pain. I hope he was joking,” he said.
It has been rumored that a large sum of money had been offered under the table to make Tua feel better about serving. In response to these allegations, Mr. Tua [no, we’re not writing that last name again. Absolutely not] spoke calmly.
“I can neither confirm nor deny such things. But I’m pretty sure that it isn’t illegal. Even if it was, y’all can’t prove nothin’!”
As he turned to walk away, one of the bags he was holding had wads of one hundred dollar bills sticking out. We’re assuming that’s from some kind of bartending job he had over the holidays.
I think I speak for the nation when I say that seeing him head off to serve his country in the most selfless of ways filled me with pride. Yet, this man who now represents the best of America, offered us one last piece of wisdom.
“I’m taking my talents to Iran!” he proclaimed, holding his rifle above his head to signify his commitment to defeating the enemy.
We wish him luck.
This article contains contributions from Seth Mecklenburg, Editor in Chief for WSYS.