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You Are Scrolling And Don’t Care About This Article

I see you just clicked on this article. This is unexpected. I suppose now you’ll want something to read. I wanted to keep playing Mario Kart at my desk, which means this moment sucks for me. My cubicle is across the entire newsroom, so my boss can’t tell what I’m doing.

But then you clicked on this, as you know since you’re reading what I’m writing right now, and now I’m doing work. This is your fault. Thanks a lot. You and I should be best friends since you have my interests in mind.

Here is where I would usually finish up a compelling introduction. Instead I interviewed your best friend (burn!).

“I’m not sure why they clicked on the article. I wouldn’t have. Well…what was the picture? If it was a cool picture I may have clicked on it. I don’t finish reading things, though. I prefer videos. Will you do a video version of this? No? It’d be a lot cooler if ya did,” they said. I forgot their name. You know it though, so it doesn’t matter.

*insert mental picture of yourself here, because I’m not going to place one in #TooMuchWork*

One interview isn’t sufficient for a great article. You want to paint a clear picture of your subject. I guess you’re the subject? Not sure if anyone will want to read an article about you, but then again, I don’t know you. What if you were Halle Berry? She has an Academy Awards (and a Worst Actress Razzie for her awful performance in Catwoman, but we can let that go).

You could be as beloved as Tom Hanks, Keanu Reeves, Tim Allen on a good day, or even Beyoncé. Okay, not Beyoncé. The internet would tweet me off the planet if I compared anyone to Beyoncé. In fact, I’m legally obligated to inform you that you are NOT as cool as Beyoncé.

I should be getting to know more about you, but I don’t want to. If there were awards for “Most Annoying Journalist” or “Journalist with the Worst Attitude” I would dominate them. I live by a very simple code:

I will not work unless I have to. If I have to, I won’t try very hard. Even then, I will try to find a way out of it the entire time.

If I am doing work, a lot of contingencies have failed. I work harder at trying not to work than I do anything else. What went wrong this time was you. You were all like, “oh, look at this weird thing from some website I don’t know!” *click*

Ugh.

*insert a mental picture of someone yelling at you, like I would if I could*

Someone who knows you gave me hope, though. They wished to remain anonymous (I wouldn’t admit to knowing you either).

“Yeah, they strike me as the kind of person who only reads headlines. A lot of people do that. I used to as well, but then I wanted to feel better than everyone else. It hasn’t been working but I think that’s more about me.”

If only you just read headlines. I was going to write, “I’m only writing this so the editor doesn’t see an empty document. Hey Bob.”

Bob’s our editor. I feel weird now because I’m talking about him like he isn’t reading this. I’m sorry, Bob.

Anyway, that still would have been more than I wanted to write, but it would have kept Julia off my back. Julia is my boss. Crap. She’s probably going to read this.

Julia, all that stuff I said about being lazy and playing Mario Kart was an exaggeration. For humor. I need to relate to millennials. Mario Kart is the easiest way to win their trust and their hearts.

*Julia, I know you like us to include multimedia, but I don’t want to call a photographer. Can you pretend this is a picture of the reader dancing?*

If this has been a waste of your time, sorry. You lose, I lose, whoever owns this website wins. This is what you get for clicking on articles.

I’m done now. Not because I’ve achieved the best version of the story, but because I’m quite bored. I’m going back to playing Mario Kart.

Peace out… whatever your name is. I really should know that by now. Damn, I really phoned this in. Is this what pride feels like?

*insert mental picture of you smiling and looking amazing*

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