When you think of Eminem, three things come to mind: swear words, Detroit, and Elton John. That time they performed “Stan” at the Grammy’s changed my life. Even if Elton John was unintelligible in that song.

The king of being a white boy rapper, Slim Shady himself, dropped a new album that has the internet going, “yo, where did this come from? Thanks for the heads up, bro.” The album is titled, “Music To Be Murdered By.”

There was no previous announcement that the 20 track piece of art was coming. Marshall Mathers, III simply posted on social media that it was now available for download. I talked to a couple people who are close to the former movie star (Funny People, 8 Mile).

“Dude this is perfect timing,” said LeBron James. “When Slim puts new music out, it has me ready to take on the world. If you’re playing me and the Lakers in the next 2 months, you better pray to God we don’t accidentally kill you on the court. I LOVE Eminem!”

Although LeBron seems indifferent to Eminem and his new work dropping, it comes as no surprise. The superstar basketball player had the same reaction last time Mr. Mathers, III put out a surprise album:

I think Em can keep holding his head up high, though. His daughter Hailie Jade Mathers definitely has her dad’s back and won’t be here for the haters.

“Oh I haven’t heard it yet. I mean, I’m going to listen to it obviously, but right now I’m so totally busy,” she said.

I asked her when she had last heard her father’s music, and her response was interesting. She said, “I can’t possibly remember that. A long time ago.”

The former high school valedictorian did want to congratulate her old man for his efforts all the same.

“I’m so proud of him for continuing to work at his age. He has friends with back problems and others who have to get up to pee every twenty minutes. So he’s kicking butt,” his daughter said as if her dad was 67 instead of 47.

Why she hasn’t given him a shout-out on her own social media, I don’t know. She hasn’t posted in several days! Last time she added a photo to Instagram, she once again implied she was busy. Likely story, Hailie.

After all the countless interviews above, I decided to cut to the chase and call the big man himself. His manager had hooked me up with a phone interview.

He wouldn’t answer my calls for fifty-seven minutes (during which time I called him 136 times). Apparently he had my number blocked after our last interview, which I won’t talk about here as I’m not legally allowed to (blame the non-disclosure agreement).

His agent finally called me and handed White Boy McRapper the phone. He was as jovial as ever.

“What the f*ck did I tell you about callin’ me? Didn’t I warn you that you’d never eat chicken nuggets again? DIDN’T I?” He gently spoke.

I answered, “you did say that, man. It was quite funny if I say so myself.”

“Do you remember why I told you you’d never eat chicken nuggets again?” he quipped.

“Because you would murder me in my sleep with a dirty fork,” I laughed.

“What the f*ck is so funny? Why would you be laughing right now? Do you want to die? I said you’d get stabbed in the night with a fork. A dirty one. Can you imagine some left over Mac n’ cheese being shoved into your body forcefully? It’s hard to kill someone with a fork. It takes a really messed up person to do that. I know because I’m writing a song about it,” said Shady with what I imagine was a twinkle in his eye.

“It sounds like a great song, bro,” I assured him.

“Good because it’s about you! So why don’t you come stay the night at my house, and I’ll sing it for you around 4am you piece of sh-“

It was at this point that his agent grabbed the phone from him. Which is a shame because I wanted to know what the rest of Em’s sentence was. However, I know the agent had my best interest in mind (I feel bad that I can’t remember his name, but at this point I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone again). His agent then told me Eminem had missed his nap time earlier and needed to lie down. I said I understood and that I could conduct the interview after he rested up. Five hours later he called me back, and we began.

MMIII: I’m sorry I was rude to you earlier. Dr. Dre always tells me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, then I should pretend to like the di**bag when they’re around and remember my insults for my music.

His words put me at ease.

Well that’s a good outlook. I’ll make this quick, what inspired you to write this new album?

MMIII: I haven’t the faintest idea.

Was it fun to record it?

MMIII: That’s a good question.

And what’s the answer?

MMIII: No clue.

I heard all twenty songs were recorded in one night. Is that true?

MMIII: That’s what they tell me.

Are you not wanting to talk right now?

MMIII: I’m just being honest. Truth is I don’t remember sh*t. My agent texted me the next morning saying he thought the album was great. I was like ‘look here motherf**ker, I haven’t done an album in over a year. I don’t appreciate your sarcasm.’ It was then that they brought me the recordings.

What was your response to hearing it?

MMIII: I gotta say, the first time I heard it I was like, ‘damn that’s dope.’ At first I said we weren’t going to sell it. People were confused because they never thought not releasing it was an option. But to me, it was as if I was like a fan, just hearing the final product without any knowledge of what it was like to be involved. That freaked me the f*ck out.

That’s incredible. Well I suppose you don’t have anything else to add then, huh?

MMIII: Yeah because I don’t know a godd*mn thing about it. I was high as sh*t on a lot of things and drunk like you wouldn’t believe, man. That’s probably why the album is so dope, but I obviously blacked out. Slim Shady gotta keep doin’ Shady.

At that point we said goodbye, and I sat down to write this. However, right as I was about to submit it, I found a great quote Mr. Mathers gave Rolling Stone when they spoke with him moments after his Twitter post. I think it shows what a professional he is.

“I told everyone I didn’t want to release music that I don’t remember making. Then Dr. Dre reminded me that I don’t remember like three other albums due to drugs, and I didn’t have an argument at that point. So I guess we can add this to the list,” remembered Slim.

Spoken like a true legend. “Music To Be Murdered By” is now available for purchase everywhere online, including at the Official Eminem Online Store (Mr. Mathers requested I specifically mention his site).

Published by Seth Dayrich

Founder of WSYS and writer of two motion pictures (Catching Summer, Dan's Humongous Apartment) and a play (The Restaurant Tango). View all posts by Seth Dayrich