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DiCaprio Remaking Titanic, Has Never Forgiven James Cameron For ‘Murder’ Of Jack

Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the most well-known, accomplished actors of his generation. He has worked with legends, is beloved by millions, and won an Oscar for getting intimate with a bear.

Over the years, the ending of Titanic has been put into question. Did the boat actually sink? Of course it did, that’s pretty obvious. The scene in question is when Rose is on the floating door and refuses to let Jack on, which in turn kills him. Yes, Rose technically murders Jack.

Would they have stayed afloat together, even if there was space? It appears Leo himself has finally had enough, as today he announced his decision to remake Titanic in its entirety, all in an effort to correct the infamous door scene. 

Leonardo has been outspoken about the door scene for years. He said in an interview in 2000, at the red carpet premiere of The Beach, “I’m constantly hearing about it. I try to hide from the public due to the overwhelming amount of questions about if Jack could have survived. It’s one of my most regrettable scenes I’ve ever filmed. I wish I could do it all over again with my own vision in mind.”

At the time, Leo was very confident Danny Boyle had made a masterpiece in The Beach. He hope it could make people call him “that guy from Titanic AND The Beach.” The film would indeed become iconic, mostly for how bad it was unfortunately. Hey, “cult classic” still has the word classic in it!

Brad Pitt (B-Money Pitt to his friends) recently spoke of DiCaprio and the infamous door scene at the 77th Annual Golden Globes.

“He’s an all-star, he’s a gent, and I wouldn’t be here without you, man,” said B-Money Pitt before laying down his zinger. “I thank you. Still, I would’ve shared the raft.”

WSYS recently had the exciting opportunity to travel to a remote location near Alaska, where Leo is both prepping for the newly titled Titanic: Iceberg Ahead! and trying to raise a forgotten sunken island from the depths. The highly regarded climate change activist believes he can convert the island into a vacation hotspot (coldspot?) when it is once again brought above sea level. 

We asked Leo about how he makes time for both of these projects at once. 

“I’m gald you asked, Bill [nobody on our staff is named Bill, but what are we going to do, correct Leonardo DiCaprio?]. In life there needs to be balance. Getting to make movies is a privilege. In turn I feel I must pay a debt to our beloved Mother Earth. She is wounded and in dire need of assistance. Enter me and my like-minded friends,” said the star of Django Unchained.

SM: You spoke of balance, how else does that apply to your life?

“It’s everywhere my chubby, bearded friend. Say I make a movie. It’s fun but it’s hard. Then I spend time making the Earth less sick. Okay, now it’s time to go off in my private jet, hop on my yacht and do some thinking,” he replied. 

We inquired into the type of companionship he likes to have around him.

“See now that’s a complicated question. The short answer is I find a woman who is old enough to be a professional adult model, and who in fact is a model, and then I date that woman. She will accompany me on my voyage of solitude with me and my entourage. Parties aplenty ensue.” 

Note From Seth: When I suggested it wasn’t solitude if many other people are present he told me that solitude has many different meanings. The fight didn’t seem worth it since all we really wanted to do was talk about the Titanic project. Our interview became much more straightforward after he handed us some water popsicles (he carved blocks of ice off nearby polar ice caps).

CR: So what led to you deciding to remake Titanic?

LD: I’ve always wanted to make Titanic: Iceberg Ahead!, but Marty [Martin Scorsese] is the one who gave me the confidence to take the plunge into the icy waters this year. He agreed to be an Executive Producer, which gives me a lot of confidence. He was a great producer on Joker.

SM: Nope. He didn’t produce Joker

LD: Huh. Well either way.

SM: Is there a certain approach you have to this material since you are so close to it?

LD: Oh definitely. I’m remaking Titanic shot for shot. I’m not changing anything except at the end Jack is on the door with Rose and we get found barely alive. They end up in the hospital. The audience will be led to believe I’ve died, but then BAM! We cut to the modern day and old me will walk out and give old Rose a twirl. She’ll break her hip or something and we’ll have a good laugh with everyone she’s been telling the story to as we slowly fade to black. 

CR: That’s amazing. So Jack and Rose had a family and grew old together? 

LD: You’re dang right. Except Jack had to change his name to Jay Gatsby. 

CB: I knew it!

LD: I thought you’d like that. It makes that Great Gatsby movie a sequel/prequel thing. 

CR: I love it. 

LD: How about you, Bill? Do you love it?

SM (SETH): I’m fascinated to see it. At the same time, didn’t you just reveal the entire ending?

LD: Look, it was a big hit twenty years ago and everyone knew the movie would end with the damn ship sinking. Besides, how many people could possibly read your website? Four, five of your relatives? I guess it depends on if your grandmas still like reading. I’ve never read your stuff. If your writing is as sloppy as you look then I imagine that’s for the best.

SM: How dare you. Our readers are loyal consumers that we beg to give us a chance. Sometimes they even suggest it wasn’t a total waste of their time. 

CR: Yeah! And we’re damn proud of that. 

LD: So one of the neat things about this movie is that almost every actor will be using motion capture. I want to bring an authenticity to the film by making all of us look like we did in ’97.

SM: Wait, I’m not done with this argument. You insulted us!

CR: Motion capture sounds expensive. Why do you need to use that? Is it like for de-aging you and such?

LD: That’s exactly right, Caleb. Except I won’t actually be in the picture. 

SM: I guess we’re going to forget that he insulted us mid-interview. 

CR: What do you mean you won’t be in it? You’re the main character!

SM: He said nobody goes to our site and that we look like slobs. 

LD: My face will be in the movie, but I won’t be. I’ve hired Tom Holland to play me playing Jack via motion capture. CGI is a wonderful tool. Scorsese showed me that with The Irishman.

SM: This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in my life.

CR: Won’t it be awkward hearing his voice with your body? 

LD: He actually does a halfway good impression of me. Nobody will even notice.

SM: I hate both of you. 

CR: Who else has been cast in the film? 

LD: Well I don’t want to brag but we got one of the best actors who ever lived. 

CR: Is it Ben Stiller? Winona Ryder?!

LD: Denzel. Washington. 

CR: Who the heck is he going to play? 

LD: He’s playing Billy Zane playing Cal. 

CR: Wow! That will be some motion capture.

LD: Denzel won’t be in mocap. He’s a two time Academy Award winner. He doesn’t need such things to play Billy Zane. We debated white face, but it will be Denzel’s call on that front.

SM: I’m going to get a beer. I’ll be back.

CR: You’re a genius. Nobody else would have the guts to do that. 

LD: I prefer balls. 

CR: Come again? 

LD: No I’m good. 

CR: Good at what? 

*awkward silence* 

CR: Is Kate Winslet excited to return? 

LD: Oh, no no. I haven’t spoken to her in years. We cast Emma Watson to play Kate playing Rose. It seemed like the easiest path for everyone. Besides, Kate shouldn’t have to redo all those scenes. It isn’t her fault.

CR: What isn’t her fault?

LD: That James Cameron is a murderer. 

At this point, Brad Pitt entered the room eating beer nuts.

LD: Take a seat, B-Money.

BP: Leo, you hound dog you. Where’s your new high schooler, I’m sorry I meant girlfriend. 

LD: Very funny. 

CR: You guys are so cool. 

BP: Why’s that?

CR: Do you look at you? In the mirror I mean. Because damn guys.

BP: We’re just regular millionaires like everybody else. 

LD: Brad has such perfect timing. I was about to mention him. He’s playing a pivotal part!

CR: What role will you be playing, B-Money?

BP: Please, call me Mr. Bradley Pitt. 

*everyone laughed at this as Seth returned with a piña colada*

SM: I couldn’t find a beer. Oh. Hey Brad. 

BP: Mr. Bradley Pittsworth, please.

SM: Of course. So are you involved in the movie? Doing what?

BP: I will be playing the role of the “Unsinkable” Molly Brown.

CR: The woman Kathy Bates played?

BP: That’s correct. I’m a huge fan of hers. Can’t wait to be her. 

SM: You mean to play her in a movie.

BP: That’s what I said. 

CR: How did you get the role? 

BP: Leo said I could do whatever I want. My name made the studios willing to spend a little more money. So I said I’ve been waiting to be Kathy Bates all my life. 

SM: Your dream role has been to play Kathy Bates?

BP: To be Kathy Bates, yes.

LD: He loves everything about her. 

[laughing so hard he was tearing up] BP: I do. I want her life so bad. 

SM: So the movie is a way for you to pretend to be her? 

BP: To become her fully and embrace her soul as my own.

SM: I’m starting to become concerned that you are going to take over Kathy’s life. 

BP: No, no. That would be ridiculous. She would have to disappear first.

SM: I…need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.  

*Seth fled the room, tossing his drink the ground, which shattered the glass*

CR: Mr. Bradley Pittsworth, I could have seen you playing an excellent Cal Hockley, Rose’s fiance.

BP: No. Denzel is playing Cal. I’m Kathy Bates. 

CR: Playing Kathy Bates. 

BP: Right. I’m Kathy Bates. 

LD: It’s just an expression, Caleb. He doesn’t actually want to be Kathy Bates. 

BP: Well not today. But soon. And then forever.

CR: Wait, this is starting to freak me ou-

BP: Cal is nothing but a rich coward! He’s barely a character. I could play that in my sleep. Hell, I am Cal most days. I wanted to be challenged. Kathy Bates is a very complex person who deserves every bit of my acting capabilities. It’s the part of a lifetime. And I will play her for the rest of mine.

CR: That sounds weird when you say it like that. 

LD: Caleb, he’s a method actor. Don’t be a Matt Damon. 

BP: That’s what we call someone who’s acting like a spoiled bitch. 

CR: I’m sorry. I respect you both so much more now. Can I have a beer nut, B-Money?

BP: No.

*Brad slapped Caleb’s hand away*

BP: And it’s Mr. Bradley Pitt. 

At this point Leo and Brad shared the beer nuts while making eye contact with Caleb*

CR: Anyways, Leo, did you always want to direct this movie?

LD: I begged James Cameron to come back, but he told me that the only way he would do it is if I starred in his stupid Dances with Wolves sequels.

CR: You mean Avatar?

LD: Sure, whatever he wants to call them. 

CR: Why didn’t you do it? Those are massive budget movies. 

LD: I almost did. I think I burnt some bridges when I called him a murderer. He refused to change the ending and that’s obviously the whole point of doing this again. So I got my flamethrower from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood and torched his set. I couldn’t get to him because Sigourney Weaver is stupid strong and got ahold of me. It’s not over. I know where he lives.

CR: Some would say remaking your biggest hit from over 20 years ago comes off as desperate. 

LD: Like who? Who says that? 

*Brad leaned in closer and cracked his knuckles*

BP: Desperate isn’t a nice word, ya know. Do you think Leo’s desperate?

CR: Not at all. I think he’s an innovator. And your performance as Molly Brow-

BP: Kathy Bates. I will become Kathy Bates. 

CR: That’s what I said.

BP: Good. 

*Seth then came sprinting into the room while on his phone*

SM: Caleb, we gotta get out of here!

LD: Why would you leave? We have everything that you need right here.

SM: Kathy Bates is missing! Her agent told me they haven’t seen her for days. They thought she was off on a bender, but I told them about Brad and now they’re calling the cops. She has a restraining order against him! He’s tried to take her before!

LD: Everyone take a breath, we didn’t hurt her. 

BP: Besides, how can Kathy be missing? I’m right here. 

CR: Well, this was fun, thank you for sitting down with me!

It was here that we bolted as fast as we could and didn’t look back. Our recorder was mailed back to us by an anonymous person. After we left, this was said:

BP: Strange fellas. 

LD: I dig em’. They enjoyed the popsicles I made. 

BP: You don’t make popsicles, you carve some ice into a cone. 

LD: Why do you always gotta put me down like that, Kathy? 

BP: I’m just trying to survive the misery of being this far from civilization. I wanna shoot this movie already. 

LD: Soon, my dear. Soon.

*It has since been reported that Vin Diesel will be playing Captain E.J. Smith, and has already begun growing his mustache and testing wigs to pretend he has hair that is receding.

The promotional campaign has launched with this poster. I think I speak for everyone when I say: we gotta see this thing.

Kate Winslet could not be reached for comment.

We tried very hard to reach her if anyone asks.

Okay we didn’t but we’ve kinda had a hard few days, okay?


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