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Joe Biden 87% Sure He Knows What Day It Is

Joe Biden has had a busy 2020. Although, much like the rest of us, it hasn’t gone the way he had planned. Yes, he’s finally accepted the Democratic Nomination for President of the United States, but he’s also had to spend time learning that the word “zoom” doesn’t just refer to a function on a camera lens.

I recently spoke to him over a video chat and got a solid six minutes of conversation in (the previous twenty-four were spent helping him figure out how to keep video and audio on at the same time, which I’m told is a daily routine for the Presidential hopeful). Biden repeatedly tried to show off his mental fortitude by telling me fun facts and counting backwards from Z (you read that right).

To start off I playfully asked him what day it was.

“We got a wise guy here, huh? I know what day it is, man. Okay, guy? I don’t need this from you, dude. Today is today and yesterday was the day before today and tomorrow is the day after right now. So I don’t need you to tell me. Because I know.”

He checked his watch briefly.

“I know what day it is. Ninety-nine percent sure. Okay, maybe like ninety percent. Eighty-seven for sure,” he concluded.

I apologized for the remark and congratulated him on officially winning the nomination. I asked him what his big strategy was going forward and how he’s spent his free time during the pandemic.

“I’m not young, but experience comes from age. I’m gonna sell that experience. And I’ve spent all my free time the past few months playing Scrabble and Minecraft. Staying sharp isn’t something I worry about, but these games sure help,” Biden said proudly while biting off a piece of celery, which he immediately spit to the floor. “Celery really isn’t good plain. I usually eat it with Jelly.”

“Grape?” I asked.

“No, strawberry of course,” he responded. “Speaking of berries, did you know pumpkins and avocodos are fruit? They’re not vegetables. Isn’t that something?”

He reacted poorly when I told him I already knew that, so I pivoted conversation to how he planned to attract younger voters.

“I don’t have a hard time presenting myself to young people. I’m naturally drawn to them, as they are to me,” he replied.

He went on to list the things he knows young people are into today.

“I keep up with the younger peeps. I listen to Prince. I saw Titanic. Will Smith is my favorite actor, okay? I even read The Da Vinci Code. I know The Good Place is the new Friends. I’m not out of touch. I’m never out of touch,” Biden insisted.

This may sound like the ramblings of a man too old to begin his first presidential term, but he assured me people shouldn’t worry.

“A lot of folks are out here acting like I don’t know what’s going on, or that I’m slow. But I know more than you think. I know what day it is. It’s Thursday. Every day is Thursday. That’s how it feels. There are no more Friday’s. Only the tease that it will one day be Friday. That’s 2020, baby.”

I don’t know about everything he says, but I definitely get that last part.

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